Okay is Wonderful
by sunnyblainey
Summary: Blaine's been depressed before, last time he hated everyone else for how they made him feel. But this time he hates himself for hurting everyone else. All he's ever wanted was for things to be okay. Trigger warning, mostly follows canon.


Blaine's always known he was different, when he realized somewhere around the fourth grade that the other boys were looking at girls and talking about various things they'd seen in magazines or on TV, he noticed that those same feelings, observations, reactions… those were what he felt when he saw men. Somehow he'd known to keep it quiet, he knew his father and mother would never approve, even though he didn't see what was so bad about it.

But Blaine knew he was more different than that, there was more to him, something that from the first moment he set foot in public school it set him apart from the rest of the kids. In the third grade when everyone started to form cliques, Blaine didn't fit in to any of the new groups being formed. He stayed the same eager, fun-loving, quick-to-make-a-friend child he was in kindergarten. For whatever reason, that made him a target. He spent most of his primary school days trying to ignore all the name-calling, the taunts, even the horribly executed rhymes the other kids would come up with.

"Look, it's Blaine! The mentally insane! Couldn't catch the baseball so he's so lame!"

He never told anyone about the biggest difference, that he liked boys instead of girls. He did tell his parents about the bullying, and for a brief second he thought they might care, that they might do something about it. But, his father merely explained that boys will be boys and eventually things would work out, until then, he would just have to tough it out and prove that he wasn't affected by their words. "Words are just words, after all, Blaine. Sticks and stones will break your bones, but words can't touch you."

At the time, Blaine took this advice to heart, it was the closest his father had come to expressing that he cared about his well-being. When he went to school the next day, he did so with a newfound pride, a sense of worth. His sixth grade class progressed as usual, two classes during which no one said a word, then recess where everyone scrambled to catch up on what happened in the past 24 hours, during which Blaine quietly played with his Gameboy in the corner. By lunch time, Blaine figured it must be a good day, it happened sometimes, where they would just leave him alone. In some ways, being invisible was much better than the bullying.

It was then that Blaine noticed it, his usual tormentors teasing one of the newer kids. The poor kid looked like he was about to cry. Blaine began to get angry, of course it wasn't just himself that suffered every day. He had just been too focussed on surviving to realize that others were getting hurt too. Normally, Blaine might have just gone home and thought about it, but not today. Spurred on by the talk he'd had with his father he had stood up, yelled at the bullies to stop, and in their surprise, they stopped. Blaine had never fought back before, it was new and unexpected. But the looks on their faces told Blaine that this wouldn't go unpunished.

As they left he introduced himself to the new kid, and the two became friends. Blaine and Aaron spent the next two years being tortured by bullies but they didn't care. They had each other, and they laughed at the poorly thought insults after school each day when they did their homework together. Somewhere around the middle of eighth grade, though, Blaine's feelings toward Aaron began to change. He seemed to notice weird things, like the shape of Aaron's lips, the colour of his eyes, the way his whole face would light up when he smiled. Blaine found himself trying extra hard to get that smile, to get Aaron to laugh, he loved the way in seemed to fill the whole room and ease all the tension away. It took a while for Blaine to realize that he was in love with his best friend. His only friend.

He knew he was in trouble when Aaron started to talk about the girls in their class, how some of them had begun to develop breasts, how much hotter Laura was in comparison to Lucy. Or how Brenda couldn't seem to shake off the extra weight she'd put on over the summer. Blaine tried to be interested in the girls like Aaron was. He spent a whole lunch period with Aaron as he pointed out various girls and commented on their breasts or their ass. Blaine just didn't see the appeal, and he felt kind of bad for the girls who were constantly being objectified by not just the guys, but each other…

It happened one day while Aaron and Blaine were studying at Aaron's house. Aaron asked Blaine who out of all the girls in their grade would he take on a date. Blaine had thought about it, before eventually throwing out the name Brenda.

"Dude, are you gay or something? She's like the ugliest chick in the world!"

Blaine had frozen. He'd heard the term gay thrown around as a casual insult, and he knew what it meant, but it hadn't been until that moment that he had realized that that's what he is. He's gay. He steeled himself, it was now or never.

"So what if I am?"

He had responded, and it all clicked. Aaron took a few moments, but it all made sense, the way Blaine would casually agree when he commented on an ugly girl's boobs. The way Blaine never seemed to really look at them, how sometimes, he'd catch Blaine looking at some of the guys instead. Blaine was gay…

"Get out."

Those two words had haunted Blaine for the rest of his life. His best friend's rejection, the day he lost the only friend he'd ever had. By noon the next day, everyone in the school knew. Aaron skyrocketed to fame for being the one to tell everyone the biggest piece of gossip in history. Blaine had thought it couldn't get much worse that it was, but he was so wrong… Now he was called a fag nearly every minute. The word would be written on paper and casually slipped to him during class. It had been scrawled across his locker in sharpie. Shouted at him from across the room, whispered as he passed in the hall. It was the beginning of hell.

Slowly, Blaine descended into the darkest of places he'd ever been. The three letter f-word slowly sinking into his mind, morphing into other words, worthless, unlovable, and the worst part was he had to endure it alone. The teachers turned a blind eye, Cooper had left for LA, his parents would never understand the true reason and he would never tell them. Day by day, Blaine took the hits. Each night he went home, took a shower to wash the blood and the dirt and the tears away. He'd do his homework and watch some TV. Then he'd go to bed early, usually around 7 or 8, where he'd cry. Silently, of course… if his father ever heard him crying he was sure he'd be called the ultimate disappointment.

Then Sadie Hawkins hit, a couple of weeks before Blaine had befriended the only other out gay kid he knew, and for some stupid reason they decided to go to the dance together. The next thing Blaine remembered was waking up in the hospital, covered in bruises and cuts with three broken bones, broken ribs, and a concussion. He learned later that his date had made it out okay, but his family had already packed and moved by the time Blaine had woken up.

Once again, Blaine was alone.

Then for a while, things got better. After Blaine told his parents he was gay they made it clear they weren't okay with it, they brushed it off as just a phase and sent him to Dalton Academy, where he would board in the dorms for the week and come home on the weekends.

On his first day, Blaine had gone to school with his walls up, he wasn't going to take crap from anyone, not this time. But he soon learned he didn't have to. In his first class he befriended another new transfer, Trent. The two discovered they had a shared love of Katy Perry, and Trent didn't even bat an eye when Blaine admitted he was gay. While the two of them were jokingly singing California Girls after school one day, they were stopped by the head of the Warbler council, Wes. He encouraged them to join the Warblers and they did. Blaine discovered he had a real talent for singing, and he enjoyed it. He made more friends than he'd ever had in the Warblers.

And then came Kurt, like an angel out of nowhere. Going through the same stuff Blaine had endured not that long ago. Blaine felt like he had to help Kurt, and he did everything he could. He was so drawn to this boy and he had no idea why.

Until he sang Blackbird, and everything clicked. He was in love, for real this time… not just some silly infatuation.

The next year and a half were like magic, he transferred to McKinley, and public school was just as cruel as he remembered. But he was invincible, he had Kurt. The Nationals win was like the icing on the cake, and he thought he'd finally found his happy ending.

Until Kurt left, and yeah, sure Blaine had been the one to push him onto the plane, but it still hurt. He realized Kurt had been his only friend at McKinley. He was alone, again. He tried to occupy his time, joining all the clubs he could and running for president. He was ecstatic when he won the election, but devastated when Kurt didn't even seem to care.

Kurt was moving on, to bigger and better things. He was destined for New York and greatness and Blaine was tying him down. He should have recognized the symptoms, the lack of sleep, not eating, the words worthless, alone, unlovable echoing in his head.

He should have had more control when he went over to that stupid guy's house. He shouldn't have had that beer, he shouldn't have let him touch him. It should never have happened.

Before, Blaine had wanted nothing more than for others to suffer for the pain he was in. Blaine had hated everyone else last time, but this time, the only person Blaine hated was himself.

Blaine was worthless.  
Blaine was unlovable.  
Blaine was a cheater.

He told Kurt right away what he'd done, and the expected break-up hit him harder than he thought. He spent the next month spiralling even deeper, hating himself more each day. When he turned down the role of Danny Zuko and Artie had called his breakdown "masterpiece theatre" he lost it. No one could see this wasn't acting, no one knew how much he actually hated himself. No one could see him, no one cared, not one person. There wasn't going to be a week of songs to help him back up like they did for Brittany.

Blaine went home that day feeling more worthless than he'd ever felt in his life, and for the first time, he hurt himself. It started as an accident, an accidental cut from the sharp edge of the counter. Then it escalated, he felt the pain and suddenly he couldn't feel anything else. The pain was easier… but it faded too quickly. He scrambled until he found what he was looking for, a tiny craft knife his mother had always kept. He locked himself in his bathroom and before he could think of a reason to stop, the word "worthless" was carved into his upper arm, starting at his shoulder and going down about half way.

Sticks and stones can break his bones, but now words can hurt him too.

He wasn't sure why he chose that spot. He felt ashamed of what he'd done and incredibly guilty for it… but at the same time he was hoping someone would see. He didn't want to be invisible anymore.

It didn't happen again until Kurt came back for Grease. He'd tried to talk to him, but Kurt had just turned and declared this wasn't home anymore, that Blaine wasn't trustworthy.

That night, the word "untrustworthy" was etched into his left leg, just above the knee.

No matter how times Blaine wanted, he couldn't stop. Sometimes it was just normal cuts, sometimes another word would join the others. Sometimes he'd go over words that had healed.

No one noticed.

He stopped when Kurt had told him he loved him on Thanksgiving. He went a whole two weeks without touching the blade, until Burt told him about the cancer.

Burt was the closest thing Blaine had to a real father figure in his life. The father he'd always dreamed of having. That night he retraced the words "helpless" and "alone."

When Burt took him to New York for Christmas, Blaine took extra caution to make sure all his cuts were covered at all times. He and Kurt had a talk, and mutually decided it was best to just remain friends for now, and see where the road takes them.

When he got home, the word "unlovable" was reopened.

He was fine again until three words were brought up in Student Council one day.

Sadie.  
Hawkins.  
Dance.

He didn't bother waiting till he got home, the memories, the pain, the hospital… He locked himself in one of the shower stalls in the locker room. He slowly dragged the end of a paper clip over the skin on his forearm, increasing the pressure with each stroke.

And then, for the first time in his life, someone saw.

When he looked back on it years later, he was so glad it was Sam who found him. Sam hadn't freaked out, hadn't yelled or been disgusted or turned away… He simply knelt next to Blaine, gently pried the paper clip from his hand and held him while he cried. After a while Sam got Blaine to open up, to explain everything. Sam set up weekly counselling sessions with Miss Pillsbury and promised not to tell Kurt until Blaine was ready.

Throughout the whole thing, Sam stayed by Blaine's side, reminding him each an everyday that he was worth something. When Blaine got the opportunity to return the favour when Sam got his SAT scores, he jumped on it and made sure Sam felt like a king.

When Blaine found out about Adam, he nearly relapsed, but Sam was right there, reminding him that Blaine had to sleep with someone else to realize Kurt was the only one, maybe Kurt needed to do the same.

And when the wedding arrived and Kurt had suggested they go together, Blaine knew Sam was right. He and Kurt talked a little in the back of his car, (okay, they were mostly making out, but its progress right?)  
They sang their duet at the wedding, stayed in a hotel room together…

That was when Kurt saw the fading scars. They had a long talk about everything, there were tears shed, angry words uttered… but in the end, Kurt made Blaine realize that every inch of him was lovable, that he was worth everything, that he wasn't alone.

When they woke up the next morning tangled in each other's limbs, Blaine had been tense. He wasn't sure what this meant for them. Then Kurt got up, pulled a sharpie from his backpack, and crawled in next to Blaine. Without saying a word he uncapped the sharpie and grabbed Blaine's arm. A few swift strokes and the word "forgiven" was written across the scars. Blaine stared at it for a moment before the sharpie was pressed into his hand.

"If you _ever _feel like doing this to yourself again, I want you to use the sharpie, and I want you to write things you like about yourself instead. If you have trouble thinking of something call me, because I can think of a million things there are to love about Blaine Anderson."

And just like that, things got better. In the end, Blaine only needed the sharpie once, when he didn't get accepted to NYADA. But a phone call to Kurt, and several applications later, Blaine was back on track.

Now, five years later he's graduated from NYU. He has a degree in music education and he's engaged to the love of his life, the scars have faded and are barely visible. Sam stands at his side as he exchanges rings with Kurt.

Burt lives to see them married and bring home their first child. Blaine knows things aren't perfect, there's always the threat of a relapse and there will be many fights with Kurt ahead…

Things aren't perfect, but they're okay. And that's all Blaine's ever wanted, was for things to be okay. Other people may strive for perfection and for things to be wonderful, but for Blaine, okay _is _wonderful.


End file.
